How to Fail at Growing Tulips in 5 Lessons

While the first lesson was suited to lazy, procrastinating Latin gardeners like me, the second is recommended for neat freaks, preferably with a background from across the Rhine.

Cultivated tulip bulbs are mechanically harvested, by machines with sorts of harrows. It’s not extraordinarily poetic, but effective (and it’s what allows you not to pay ten euros per bulb).

Mechanical harvesting of tulip bulbs

In the process, many bulbs lose their little copper-coloured protective skin (of no importance), and some end up slightly scraped, sometimes superficially nicked, with no harmful consequences for the bulb's recovery.

On the other hand, mould is a very serious enemy of the tulip bulb: during autumn, bulbs, especially if stored in humid conditions, tend to develop a layer of mould. If this damage is superficial, a quick wipe will remove it, and recovery will be perfect. However, if this mould reaches the inside of the bulb (signal: the mould doesn’t come off with a quick wipe), particularly at the root plate, the bulb has no chance of recovery. Worse: the mould may spread to other nearby tulip bulbs. This is why we manually sort all our tulip bulbs during packaging; also why it is advised to plant tulips in September or October: bulbs are, at this time, practically free from mould attacks.

So, to fail with your tulips, throw away all the bulbs for non-compliance before planting… Or conversely, leave a packet of bulbs lying around in a humid place, and, with a bit of luck, the bulbs will mould within a few weeks.

Lesson number 3: to fail with your tulips, plant them in an unsuitable place: deep shade, marsh, extremely heavy soil, or rocky areas where nothing grows

The tulip, true to its Ottoman origins, loves sun and fairly well-draining soils, which do not retain too much water, but are relatively rich, to allow the bulb to replenish its reserves after flowering.

It blooms on the reserves accumulated by the bulb, even if the growing conditions are poor, so it is difficult to fail the first year. However, if conditions are sufficiently poor, the bulb will not be able to properly replenish its reserves after flowering: thus, by the second year, the flowers will be weak or absent.

If the bulb is planted in complete shade (less than two hours of sun per day), the flowers will be weak.

If the bulb is planted in very heavy and wet soil, some bulbs may rot from the first year, the rest in subsequent years.

If the tulip is planted in excessively dry soil in spring, the tulips will be stunted, with early yellowing of the foliage, and will not return.

Note: there’s no need to try to fail your tulips by planting them in very acidic or calcareous soil: tulip bulbs tolerate all pH levels, you will not fail with this classic method.

For those who enjoy technicality, it is interesting to note that not all tulips have the same resistance to difficult conditions.

The botanical tulips (small tulips that maintain a distant relationship with their natural ancestors) are ultra-robust. They last for many years even in shaded heavy soil. They naturalise as soon as conditions are suitable. Very difficult to fail, a challenge!

The old horticultural tulips (e.g.: Lily-flowering, Triumph) are quite robust. They last about 3 years in poor growing conditions, 7 to 10 years in good growing conditions. Difficult to fail.

The double tulips (peony-flowered tulips) are generally fragile, lasting 2 to 5 years depending on growing conditions. Quite easy to fail.

In summary, to fail your tulip plantings:

• If you live in the northern half of France: plant recent double-flowered varieties in heavy, wet soil in a very shaded position. And if the winter is dry, water abundantly to ensure failure.
• If you live in the south: plant the same varieties in poor, stony soil, without any watering, and cross your fingers for a very dry spring, a guarantee of failure.

Lesson number 4: to fail with your tulips, plant them upside down, too deep, or not deep enough

Tulips have a top (the small point) and a bottom (the flat area from which the roots will emerge); if planted upside down, point down and roots up, they will struggle to emerge…. To be honest, I must admit, I have never actually tried this method. But I know it works, having dealt with an angry customer about the poor quality of our bulbs. He had carefully planted his bulbs upside down…

Variants of failure:

• Maniac version: planting your bulbs too deep (result: stunted tulips… or no tulips at all). This is a classic method that requires effort; you need to dig deep, about thirty centimetres, but it is worth it: you end up with rather ridiculous-looking tulips.
• Lazy version: planting your bulbs too shallow (bulb almost at the surface), a method that is very economical in time and effort, which is why I like it so much. However, it is more random; sometimes tulips establish themselves quite well despite everything, who knows why.

To properly plant your tulips, here’s what a good gardener would write:

• Make a hole 4 times the diameter of the bulb (about 20 cm)
• Fill a quarter of the hole (the height of one bulb) with loose soil, or even potting soil or soil mixed with coarse river sand if you have heavy soil. This effectively extends the number of years of flowering.
• Place the bulb, point up, at the bottom of the hole (about 15 cm)

Cover with soil. If you haven’t made a mistake in these complicated calculations, the bulb should be covered with twice its height of soil (a good 10 cm).

So, to fail with your tulip plantings, plant them upside down, far too deep, at least 20 cm deep, or too shallow, less than 5 cm, in uncompacted soil.

Lesson number 5: how to fail the re-flowering of tulips: early digging or mowing, famine or death by thirst

Nature is poorly made: tulips in the garden need a little attention just when you stop taking care of them, after flowering, when these sublime beauties fade and turn into unsightly stems and leaves that are more or less yellowish.

The post-flowering period, generally April-May or May-June, is when tulip bulbs replenish their reserves to be able to bloom again the following year: they need their foliage, a bit of water (especially if they are planted in pots), and appreciate some fertiliser. You can safely cut the flower stems, but a good gardener does not cut the foliage before it has completely yellowed. On the contrary, they will stimulate it, with a bit of fertiliser, and water in case of spring drought. The said good gardener also plants, in front of or among their tulips, spring-flowering perennials, like Brunneras for example, which help to mask the unsightly foliage of tulips after flowering, without having to cut it prematurely.

So, you guessed it, to prevent your tulips from re-flowering properly, you need to thwart this regeneration. The simplest way is to run your mower immediately after flowering over your tulip bed: the bulbs will not re-flower, or very little. And if you repeat the mowing after flowering the second year, you will eliminate the last survivors.

Note: it was traditional among old gardeners to dig up tulip bulbs in late spring to replant them in early autumn. This custom has fallen out of fashion, as it does not significantly improve their lifespan. In theory, digging and storing in trays reduces the risk of cryptogamic disease (like fusarium); in practice, there is generally more risk related to poor storage conditions (excessive humidity, presence of rodents, etc.) than to leaving them in the ground in a properly drained garden. In short: it’s not by leaving your bulbs in the ground that you will significantly increase your chances of failing them.

In summary, to prevent tulips from re-flowering in the second year, mow your beds immediately after planting.

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As a special bonus to reward readers who have had the patience to skim through all these many lines:

Bonus Gift: how to create an ugly tulip bed

You can succeed in growing tulips, and still easily end up with a very ugly result. It’s very easy; here are some little tricks from a specialist to help you:

• Mix a lot of non-complementary colours

It is often said that a beautiful bed plays on two colours, a maximum of 3. If you mix bulbs of 4 or 5 non-complementary colours, you will generally achieve a garish result that will remind you of your grandmother’s plant mail-order catalogues (no, we won’t name names!).

• Plant several varieties side by side without mixing them

For example, you randomly acquire the magnificent collection of tulips “Carnival of Venice” from Promesse de fleurs (our best seller for 30 years), and instead of mixing the 5 matching varieties from this collection for a harmonious result, plant each variety separately. Even better: instead of planting naturally, that is to say, a bit irregularly, make nice straight planting lines, just like in the vegetable garden. The result will be… strange!

• Plant insufficiently dense

Experienced gardeners plant tulips quite densely for a nice group effect. Without necessarily planting in large numbers, you can achieve a nice effect with 10 bulbs planted in a “potato” shape over 20 cm², or even with 5 bulbs grouped in “clumps” in the same large planting hole, with a spacing of about ten cm between bulbs.

You read, on promessedefleurs.com, that you can plant a hundred tulip bulbs per m², at least 50, and your mother-in-law is boasting with her beds of 150 tulips per m². But since you’re not easily fooled, as you know the generally dishonest mercantile spirit of Promesse de fleurs and your mother-in-law’s reckless spending when it’s not your birthday gift, you scoff and plant your bulbs economically, 10 bulbs per m²; it sounds good, and it makes… one bulb every 40 cm.

Bravo!

The result will be bizarrely ugly: you will have the vision of a small forest of stems (tulip stems are always unsightly). And if you combine this with the previous advice, I promise you that neighbours and passers-by will stop in front of your garden to contemplate your bed.

I promise you this, as I still vividly remember the painful memory of a sort of gathering of giggling neighbours one day in front of the magnificent first bloom of my very first tulip bed.