A Paris, a friend of mine, a well-known garden columnist (and an excellent gardener, which makes for two significant differences between us), recently told me: “It annoys me, I can’t keep lavender alive…”
This was, I must say, a huge relief for me: I was not alone in carrying this shameful secret: repeatedly failing to grow one of the easiest plants in the garden, lavender.
This prompted me to make a public coming out and share with eager gardeners this specific know-how: how to fail at growing a lavender in 5 lessons!
Of course, not everyone is on equal footing: those who, like me, are fortunate enough to live in a cold, rainy climate with heavy soil will find it much easier to fail at growing lavender than those unfortunate enough to live in sunny Provence.
However, by carefully following these simple and practical tips, accessible to all, I am sure many will also manage to kill their lavenders.
Lesson 1: To kill lavender, smother it!
Lavender comes from the South; it loves southern, stony, well-drained soils. It hates heavy soils that rot its roots in winter, which is why good gardeners prefer to plant in spring rather than autumn.
It can be planted in heavy soil, but requires drainage work: a large planting hole, at least twice the size of the pot, adding gravel or river sand, or, if necessary, turf.
So, to fail at growing your lavender, plant it at the wrong season (between November and February, for example) in heavy clay soil that you have not lightened or loosened, ideally in a hole that is too small (if necessary, give a few frustrated heel kicks to make it fit);
This is a very reliable method for failing at lavender, which I have practiced extensively in our potato lands up North.
A rather perverse variant of this method is to put your lavenders in the position of gladiators in the circus games: plant lavenders very close together, say 15 cm apart: they will shade each other, and, by fighting, weaken one another, and part (at least) of your plants will end up dying, while the others will blacken, which is quite an effect.
Lesson 2: To fail at lavender, drown it!
Lavender does not appreciate repeated excess watering: it is a Mediterranean climate plant.
To kill lavender, water abundantly, not only after planting (which it likes, like all plants), but also throughout its (short) life: it will disappear by the first winter. To speed up the killing, form a watering basin that will keep the root ball moist during the dreary season, guaranteed success!
Lesson 3: To fail at lavender, put it in the shade
Lavender loves the sun… In the shade, it withers, stretches its branches sadly in search of light, flowers little or not at all, and dies quickly.
By planting in the shade (a true marked shade, it can flower quite well in light shade), you will achieve a result similar to the previous lesson. You can even combine lessons 1, 2, and 3 for a better result.
Lesson 4: To fail at lavender, overfeed it!
Accustomed to poor soils, lavender behaves very poorly in rich environments: it eats too much, grows and grows… And very quickly collapses lamentably, leaving an awful black hole in the centre.
This lesser-known method is particularly recommended for sensitive souls; it allows you to fail at lavender (and many other things) in good conscience, through excess care: plant it in rich potting soil, generously amended with compost, supplemented by regular overdoses of fertiliser, preferably chemical: you may not kill it, but you will certainly give it a rather monstrous appearance of a Chernobyl plant.
Generally, it is enough to plant poorly to fail. However, for safety, in case your lavender shows resilience, here is a maintenance tip:
Lesson 5: To fail at lavender, prune it regularly in a “para” style
Like almost all evergreen plants, lavender does not like heavy or short pruning.
Of course, you can safely cut the dry flower spikes once a year (and make lovely fragrant bouquets), or a few overly exuberant young shoots. But do not prune the wood: it never regrows on old wood!
So to fail at lavender, prune it brutally and as short as possible: at the very least, you will make it look considerably ugly and prevent it from flowering properly; at worst, you will kill it. It is worth noting that even in Saint Rémy de Provence, this method works well.
Bonus tip for those who have had the courage to read everything, with a lazy method that I particularly recommend for its simplicity: you can also fail at lavender in a pot. Simply plant it in a small pot (say less than 20 cm), and do not water it. Certainly, lavender does not like excess watering, but it is not a cactus: it needs water, which it seeks through a deep root system. For this reason, it does not settle well in a small pot (and above all, hates being moved).
You can therefore fail at it by simply keeping it in the tiny pot it came in when you bought it, while forgetting to water it!
Finally, to console the clumsy ones who, even by following these wise tips, still manage to keep a beautiful fragrant lavender in the garden: even under good growing conditions, sun, well-drained soil, moderate watering, lavender does not age very well. It rarely lasts more than 10 years, especially in our Northern gardens, and generally becomes quite unattractive after 5 years: you will probably have the opportunity to see it die one day!
Discover everything you need to know about lavender to choose well, succeed in its cultivation, propagate it, or even dry it.
Comments