How to Fail at Planting Your Bushes in 5 Lessons?

Ah, gardening! This sweet art of patience, precision, and skill. But wait a minute, who said everyone wanted a garden worthy of a decor magazine? If you've always dreamed of transforming your green space into a wild jungle or an arid desert, then you're in the right place. Yes, you read that right, we're going to teach you how to fail at planting bushes!

From poor species selection to random watering, you'll discover how to ensure your bushes won't survive beyond their first season, and perhaps not even beyond the first week! So, without further ado, here's your ultimate guide to failing at bush planting in 5 unforgettable lessons.

Lesson 1: Plant anything!

You might think that any bush will do, but think again! If you really want to fail at your planting, you need to choose the least suitable species or varieties for your garden. Moderately hardy exotic species (or not at all, for that matter!) are often ill-suited to the local climate, ensuring a resounding failure.

But soil is important too! Choose bushes that hate your type of soil. If your soil is acidic, go for bushes that prefer alkaline soil, and vice versa. The result? Bushes struggling to survive and ultimately perishing in no time.

To ensure you plant without success, try our Plantfit app.

If you really want your garden to resemble an uncontrollable jungle, opt for fast-growing bushes. Not only will they smother other plants, but they will quickly become unmanageable. A double failure! In the same vein, choose species that will grow far too large for your small garden.

Finally, the last tip for truly failing at your choice of bushes is simple: don't ask anyone for advice. Ignore nursery staff, gardening advice articles, and even that uncle who always had a green thumb. After all, failure is a solitary path.

Lesson 2: Plant anytime!

Who needs to wait for spring or autumn to plant bushes? Not you! Gather your courage and go out and plant in the middle of winter. The frozen ground will add an extra challenge to your bushes' growth, which is perfect for guaranteed failure. But if the freezing cold doesn't appeal to you, why not choose the exact opposite? Plant your bushes in the height of summer, under a blazing sun. High temperatures and lack of water will ensure your plants suffer from water stress, leading them straight to disaster.

Is a storm forecast for tomorrow? Perfect, it's the ideal time to plant! Excess water combined with poor soil preparation (see Lesson 3) will turn your garden into a swamp.

Finally, why plan when you can do everything at the last minute? Buy your bushes on the same day and plant them without a second thought. Or better yet, wait weeks before finally planting your bare-root bushes carelessly stored at the back of a garage. Lack of preparation is always a great recipe for disaster.

Autumn or spring? To choose the best time, you can refer to these two advice sheets: What to plant in spring? & What to plant in autumn? as well as The best planting times.

Lesson 3: Plant any old way!

If you've followed the first two lessons, you already know that haste is your best friend. So, don't waste time preparing the soil. Dig a hole in a hurry, toss in your bush and hope for the worst!

Forget about soil drainage! Poor drainage ensures your bushes will have "wet feet", especially in winter, which is excellent for encouraging diseases and root rot.

Also ignore the soil pH: acidic, alkaline, neutral... all that is for gardeners who want to succeed. If you disregard your soil's pH, you'll have every chance of choosing totally unsuitable bushes, which is perfect for a memorable failure.

Chemistry classes may be a distant memory. To learn more about the subject, read: Soil pH: What is it?

Your soil is poor, compact, low in humus...? Don't try to fix the situation by adding organic matter, manure, compost, or dried blood... Your bushes will struggle to obtain the nutrients they need, making them weak and sick. Well done!

Take a quick look at Soil fertility: rich or poor, how to tell?

Have you managed to choose the wrong bushes, ignore the planting calendar, and neglect soil preparation? Bravo! But don't rest on your laurels, as there are still ways to sabotage your gardening project. One of the most effective is to plant the roots upside down. Yes, you read that right! Take your bush and plant it headfirst into the soil. Guaranteed results. (Note: don't laugh, we've had this exact case with a customer who had bare-root roses...).

To add an extra layer of failure, use the wrong tools to plant your bushes. A small spoon or a beach shovel will do just fine. The more unsuitable, the better!

Lesson 4: Forget about watering!

You've already done a great job sabotaging the previous steps of planting your bushes. But why stop there? Watering is another golden opportunity to guarantee the failure of your gardening project.

One day, turn your garden into a swamp, and the next, let it become an arid desert. Your bushes won't know what to expect and will suffer from water stress. Or simply forget to water your young bushes for several days, even weeks. When you remember, it will probably be too late, and you can add this failure to your list of gardening mishaps.

Oh yes, and forget about the watering can or an appropriate irrigation system; a high-pressure hose is much more fun!

Watering isn't that simple. Jean-Christophe tells you everything about the art of watering in his article: Watering the garden: How to do it?

Lesson 5: Ignore maintenance!

Congratulations, you've almost succeeded in completely failing at planting your bushes! But don't celebrate too soon. There's one last step to seal the fate of your garden: completely ignore the maintenance of your plants. Even if most bushes, if well chosen, will grow without much care, never tending to them, pruning them, pampering them, or even looking at them will always add a little extra to the overall failure of your garden. After all, maintenance is for the weak, and you are a hardcore gardener.

Lastly, if someone asks you why your bushes aren't growing properly (what business is it of theirs!), deny all responsibility. Stay in total denial! Blame the weather, the birds, the nursery staff who sold you the plants, or even the moon. After all, it's not your fault if nothing grows in your garden...