How to (really) mess up pruning your fruit trees?

Frankly, aren't you fed up with being buried under apple harvests so abundant that even your neighbours no longer want to open their door? If the prospect of baking yet another homemade tart with your own plums sends you into a cold sweat, it's high time to take back control of your garden by learning delicate art of horticultural sabotage. This guide promises to turn any vigorous pear tree into a pathetic pile of dead wood in just three radical steps.

Of course, for twisted minds who would actually like to fill their baskets, simply take this manual literally and do exactly the opposite of our advice.

Choose the worst possible moment!

The secret to a spectacular failure lies above all in your timing: if you prune at the right moment, you risk strengthening the tree, which would be a total failure for our mission. For successful sabotage, aim for peak sap flow, ideally when the tree is in flower; not only is it pleasing to see petals fall like snow beneath your pruning shear, but it also ensures the tree will exhaust its precious reserves for nothing.

If you miss the spring window, turn to the "Thermal Shock" technique: wait for a polar freeze overnight, around -10°C, before bringing out your tools. By opening tree tissues in severe cold, you prevent any healing and let the frost burst the wood cells, thus creating splendid permanent necroses.

Finally, to perfect the job, don't forget golden rule of moisture: the more it rains, the merrier. Fungal spores and bacteria are poor swimmers, so make life easy for them by offering gaping wounds under driving rain. It's a free pass to all cryptogamous diseases in neighbourhood, which will happily settle into your orchard.

The real advice

If, by strange fit of kindness, you want your trees to survive, know that pome fruit trees (apple, pear trees) are generally pruned only during full dormancy (winter, but when frost-free), and stone fruit trees (cherries, plums) just after harvest to avoid excessive gum loss.

Wield your tools with artistic negligence

Once you've chosen worst possible moment, it's time to use the most unsuitable equipment. For optimal result, forget shiny pruning shears and embrace liberating rust philosophy. Bring out grandad's old pruning shear, the one that hasn't seen a sharpening stone since 1998 World Cup: if blade is so blunt it no longer cuts but happily crushes wood fibres, you're on right track. A crushed branch is a branch that never heals, offering unlimited playground for bacteria.

In spirit of generosity, also practise disease sharing. Why confine a nice canker or grey rot to single apple tree when you can spread it across whole orchard? By stubbornly refusing to disinfect your blades between trees, you become vector of a magnificent, supportive parasite community. It's the all-you-can-eat buffet: what tree A has, tree B will receive free of charge via your filthy blade.

Finally, let your creativity run wild with "Free Style" cutting angle. Ignoring bevel rule is excellent way to create little stagnant pools on each cut surface. By cutting square or, better, towards bud, you turn every wound into tiny watering hole for fungi and wood-boring insects. After all, why let water run off naturally when you can invite it to settle and rot wood from inside?

The real advice

Those who care about their fruit will tell you that cutting tool must be razor-sharp for a clean cut and disinfected with 70% alcohol between each subject. They also recommend always cutting on a slant (about 45°), away from bud, so rainwater runs well clear of sensitive area.

Practice "Chainsaw Massacre" pruning

Here is where your misunderstood artist soul comes into play. To turn a fruit tree into sterile abstract sculpture, forget delicacy.

Start with radical method of wild topping. Why let central leader rise gracefully towards sky when you can lop it off at two metres? By cutting top, you force tree into absolute panic: it will respond by producing forest of vertical shoots (the water shoots) that will drain all energy and never deliver a single apple. Chaos guaranteed, and that's exactly what we're after.

Continue with strategy of total darkness. A well-maintained tree often looks like light well, but we aim for impenetrable jungle vibe. Carefully leave all dead wood and crossing branches in centre of trunk. By preventing air and sun from circulating, you create warm, humid microclimate at tree core, ideal for raising colonies of aphids and mosses.

Finally, to finish your masterpiece, practise systematic removal of spurs. These short, stubby buds are future fruit, so sworn enemies. Cut them mercilessly thinking they are useless protrusions. By contrast, keep long, smooth, vertical shoots that reach for clouds: they look magnificent, consume all sap and have wonderful trait of never, ever producing fruit.

The real advice

For those who prefer harvests to disasters: good pruning involves thinning centre to let light through and encouraging horizontal branches (those that bear fruit). Aim to preserve fruit buds (the spurs) while limiting vigour of vertical water shoots.

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